Demanding Relationships

When I first knew Erle Fitz, in 1964, he was the Head of the Department of Psychiatry at the College of Osteopathic Medicine (now Des Moines University).  His staff included two psychologists Bill Eckhardt and Charlie Palmgren.  Erle and his associates provided counseling to many patients. Relationship matters were the concern in many of these counseling sessions. Patients would often describe the relationship in question as a “close” relationship meaning that it was an emotionally intimate relationship.  During the session, more often than not, it would become clear that it was not in fact a close relationship.  They found again and again that the relationship was not “close” but “closed.” The demands they made of each other, to change a behavior or attitude, identified the relationship as a closed.

Today this kind of relationship is all too familiar, the persons spend too much time together, they no longer see old friends, they no longer taking part in activities they had found satisfying---they in effect depend on each other for everything. This kind of relationship will eventually fail or, be unbearable, if it continues as is.

 Erle and his staff recognized how the demands each person put on the other to change defined the relationship as “closed” and not “close.”  They came to know that the “d” in “closed” was the demand each made of the other to change in some way.  So a slogan was born: the “d” in “closed” stands for demand.  We look to relationships to provide meaning in life.  Many times when a person cannot find the meaning expected in a relationship it will be the cause of great anxiety.  We need to find relationships satisfying.